This Week's Debugs: Empathy Overload, Thriving through Feedback and Environment over Control

Leadership and personal thoughts I’ve been pondering this week

It’s week 3 and I’m trying something new again! For week 1 I dived into some training I completed on the craft of Story Telling. I was thinking out loud based on some new learnings. For week 2 I shared a framework I’d developed for when I’m building High Performing Teams - sharing experience I’d built over many years. This week, I’m going to dive into some things that have been on my mind over the past few days. Things I’ve come across in my day to day work or challenges I’ve faced that I’ve worked to solve. I got some feedback on my last article that I should consider a shorter format which I’ll be doing this week. Let’s jump right in!

Overreaching Empathy

I read an article about burnout this week which highlighted things I hadn’t really considered previously. I’ve experienced burnout myself and I’d say it’s unsurprising after 15+ years working in tech whilst going through several life events including getting married, purchasing a home and bringing children into the world. I always talk to my teams about how we’re all ’single beings’ - that whilst we might keep personal life personal and work life ‘in the office’, ultimately both facets of life have an impact on each other.

In this article, it spoke about the effects of ‘Overextended Empathy’. That is, as a leader not only carrying your own struggles, but also emotionally carrying the struggles of your team members. I pride myself on being someone that leads with empathy and understanding, but it got me thinking about the times I’ve been most stressed and whether this has come from me carrying a broader burden than is necessary and helpful.

I haven’t quite worked out what adjustments I’m going to make with this learning yet - how does one lead with empathy and care, whilst also remain disconnected enough to prevent other individuals struggles weighing you down?

Feedback and being ‘too nice’

Feedback icons created by Freepik - Flaticon

This week saw the commencement of the twice yearly performance review process at my employer. As a manager this is a challenging but also exciting period. Focus changes from Team Building, Strategy, Roadmaps and Prioritisation to Culture, Individuals and their Performance.

Building an environment of continuous, immediate feedback is ideal, as it helps people learn from feedback whilst it’s live and in context. However, performance review time offers a valuable opportunity to reflect on the bigger picture and to provide more overarching feedback focused on the whole period in question.

What I’ve come to learn is that the ‘nicer’ someone is, the harder I find it to give constructive feedback. I hear myself mentally saying things such as ‘but they’re so nice, I’m sure they didn’t mean X’, ‘we’ve built such a good relationship, I’d hate to say something that damages this and takes us back 5 steps’ and ‘how could I possibly tell this person that whilst they meant well, they actually had Y impact on me’.

On the counter side of this, I’d be horrified to think that someone isn’t being honest with me because I’m too nice and they’re too afraid of upsetting or hurting me. Interestingly, this is enough of a trigger for me to rationalise why offering constructive feedback is so critical. I need to role model what I wish to see back - If I’m not offering constructive feedback, I probably shouldn’t expect to be receiving it.

This got me thinking about how I continue to be kind and empathetic, but without creating an environment where people aren’t honest with me about where I could improve. I don’t believe the answer is to stop being nice 😊. Instead, my focus should be on creating the safest possible environment for people to be honest with me about my performance and where I can improve, and to welcome this feedback with open arms in the hope it compounds into continual helpful feedback.

I’m going to remind myself the teachings from the book Radical Candor about good feedback being high in Care and Challenge. Any feedback I offer during this reporting period is going to make this front and center and be a reminder that I’m offering (or receiving) this feedback from a place of kindness first, not a place of provocation.

Time Buckets

I originally wrote a full article on this topic but have abstained from hitting the publish button as it’s not quite right yet! When I say time buckets, what I’m referring to is the process of creating a time allocation (usually in percentage terms) to guide teams on how to prioritise their time. An example might be: “Allow 30% of your time to work on underlying platform and productivity improvements” or “Allow 15% of your time to work beyond your immediate team boundary to encourage collaboration”.

I've frequently observed this concept in action during my career. Whilst it can be an effective tool for leaders to direct team efforts, it often leads to 'lazy prioritisation'. By this, I mean it simplifies task allocation but can unintentionally discourage critical thinking about which tasks truly need prioritisation, instead masking the real issues behind a layer of abstraction. Instead of teams critically thinking about whether feature A or enabler B is the right next step given business strategy, user demand, market forces and platform health, they’re loosely following the original time allocation constraint and assuming this will lead to a win. It also has the effect of removing team/individual empowerment - they’re having their work day allocated for them to some extent. Many teams I’ve worked with have at least 2 time buckets allocated to their time. I can recall a product manager once asking me - “after all these percentages of time for different initiatives, what’s left for our users and our product?”.

I’m not sure I have a solution at this present time. I suspect the plus side of using this approach is that it removes a lot of bureaucracy and free’s up teams to work in line with what is assessed to be the global priorities. If an organisation has a tech debt/platform problem, this is a giant sledge hammer that can immediately create space to improve things. It ignores nuance though and perhaps breeds an environment where people are less practiced in pitching and making a case for investment in the things they feel are important. Which one of these 2 evils is the better is probably scenario dependent.

“Let them”

I listened to a podcast this week which discussed a major source of stress and anxiety being the attempt people make to not only control themselves, but to control those around them. It seems obvious when I think about it. I’m in complete control of myself. I control where I go, what I’m exposed to, how I think, what choices I make, who I speak to and how I interpret the world based on my past experiences. This is a full time job. Trying to do this for people around me is both exhausting and impossible.

“The fastest way to take control of your life is to stop controlling everyone around you.”

Mel Robbins

I had 2 immediate reflections from this. First, to assess where I’m currently attempting to do this and why. Consider what impact I’m trying to achieve and whether there’s a better way of doing this rather than via perceived control. This feels particularly pertinent when I consider my role as a parent of 2 young children! Second, to consider what this means from a Leadership perspective. A CEO can’t stand up and see chaos in an organisation and just say “let them”.

My takeaway is a stark reminder that as a leader my role is to create an environment that breeds success. I’m not here to control everything everyone thinks, says and does. That would be impossible. I’m here to create the best environment possible, where people thrive, grow and innovate. I should be thinking about what context is important to share, what direction we’re heading as a team, what opportunities there are to create competitive advantage and how we deploy our collective strengths. If I get this right, I shouldn’t be worrying about individual reactions because I can’t control them. If reactions aren’t what I expect, I should be assessing the environment and culture to determine why, not focusing on fixing the individuals.

Ultimately, this serves as a reminder to me that my energy should go into the environment and culture I’m building, not into trying to control the uncontrollable. I suspect that in doing this, I’ll be far less stressed, far more productive and far more resembling of the leader I strive to be.

💡 As always, I'd love to hear your reactions to this article. Does it resonate with your experiences? Have you faced similar challenges in leadership or personal growth? How do you balance empathy, feedback, and control in your role? Feel free to share your thoughts, stories, or any strategies you've found effective in the comments below.